Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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