I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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