At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
