Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
