Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
