We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
