he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
