She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
