yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
