His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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