complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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