Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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