I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
