dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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