I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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