You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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