I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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