I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
