my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
