who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
it hurts more in the daytime
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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