Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My bed smells like the plague
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
