Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
