theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
