Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
What a dumb baby whore.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize
