Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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