My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Randomize
