The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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