I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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