i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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