I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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