even my farts smell like vagina
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
