he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
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