Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
