So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
