i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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