If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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