meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
