hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
