theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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