At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
did i just pee glitter
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
