Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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