he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
