I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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