I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
