Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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