One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I can't turn off my feet"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
