So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
