My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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