I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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