Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
