Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
